IT DOESN'T MATTER.

i called amy this morning and i left her a message frustrated with how i'm not able to cash MY renter's rebate check and someone told me i had to automatically deposit in my trust. MY TRUST ABSOLUTELY REFUSED TO PAY ANY OF MY RENT. so ABSOLUTELY NONE of MY money should go to my trust. ESPECIALLY since i wanted to use that money to buy a vehicle- SINCE EVERYONE ELSE FUCKIN REFUSES TO PURCHASE A CAR FOR ME. it's like NO ONE wants me to progress in life- I GOTTA LIVE IN THIS FUCKING STATE, DEPENDING ON SOCIAL SECURITY, SMOKING CIGARETTES AND DRINKING PEPSI WHILE I TALK TO MY DOGS. SOUND FAMILIAR, MOM?! amanda is SUPPOSED to HELP me so this emotional abuse DOESN'T get passed down to me. generational trauma. "YOU GOT THIS!" is ALL i get from her as a sad excuse to be supportive. i've said this a million times- i should've died in the accident i was in. HOW'S THAT FOR "GRATEFUL", CATHY?! being forced to reduce my ability so i can rely on social security my whole life while being unemployed= THAT WOULD BE AMANDA'S MASTER PLAN FOR ME! IT SEEMED TO WORK FOR MY MOM UNTIL MY GRANDPARENTS WERE DECEASED. A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MY MOM'S SUPPORT AND MY SORRY EXCUSE OF "SUPPORT" WHICH AMANDA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR- my grandparents ACTUALLY supported my mom FINANCIALLY and PHYSICALLY, plus they left her live in the apartment they used to own before it was stolen from them because of "eminent domain". i'm left with- "YOU GOT THIS!" if and when i actually call amanda- which i gave up on a long time ago because she'd never answer the phone or return any of my voicemails when i actually called her. it felt like i was begging for support and begging isn't my thing. if you're gonna be an unsupportive, entitled person and expecting that to be enough for a PERSON WHO NEARLY DIED AND COMATOSE FOR SIX MONTHS, HAD TO RELY ON A DAMN WHEELCHAIR FOR AT LEAST TWENTY YEARS OF HER LIFE BECAUSE HER SAD EXCUSE OF SUPPORT JUST LIKED THE IMAGE OF APPEARING AS "CARING" FOR A PERSON WHO RELIES ON A WHEELCHAIR (PROOF WOULD BE HOW MY GRANDMA ALWAYS INTRODUCED ME AS HER "QUADRIPLEGIC GRANDDAUGHTER"). when i got in my car accident- I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF MY DAMN FAMILY MEMBERS BEING IN THE CAR WITH ME DURING THE ACCIDENT TO RECIEVE ANY FUCKING SYMPATHY WHATSOEVER. my mom actually has the audacity to think i'm ANYTHING like her- so i should just be by her. AFTER SHE HELD ME IN FRONT OF MY DAD WHILE HE WAS KICKING HER WHEN I WAS A KID.. i'm supposed to sweep this abuse and neglect under the rug? KISS MY ASS. i've had SEVERAL dreams reminiscing this situation in the past- PLUS, TWO SURGERIES ON MY BOWEL. OH PLEASE!! LET ME BE A HELPLESS, UNEMPLOYED LOSER LIKE MY MOMMY! that's what you might as well say. that's a HUGE motivation for me to actually get out there and apply to all these jobs, so i don't end up unemployed, smoking, and drinking pepsi after pepsi like my mom does. she's never been forced to be accountable or responsible for ANYTHING in her whole life.. including holding me in front of my dad while he kicked her. SHE'S NEVER APOLOGIZED TO ME FOR IT, SO SHE'S OBVIOUSLY NEVER TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR IT- OR EVEN BROUGHT IT UP TO ME IN THE PAST. i'm thinking it's because she's afraid of being forced to take accountability for things since she has to be ashamed of her stupidity. DOESN'T MATTER TO AMANDA! JUST CONDONE THIS NEGLECT AND ABUSE BECAUSE IT WORKED ALL OF TRACY'S LIFE AND WE'RE (INCLUDING YOU, AMANDA) TOO FUCKIN STUPID TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY AND ACTUALLY BE HONEST AND EMPATHETIC DEALING WITH THIS! go cry to grandma's friend carol, amanda, debbie, or whoever the hell you whine to about my blog posts since you're such a damn loser. I'M NOT PUSSYFOOTING. whenever i refer to my mom in the future, don't count on it being positive. she's honestly EVERYTHING i AVOID being/doing. she's NOTHING but a huge weight on ANY progress i make in life and AMANDA DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME- SO SHE DEPENDS ON MY MOM CLINGING TO ME AND TRYING TO WEIGH ME DOWN SO HER SELFISH, NAIVE ASS DOESN'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP ME! YOU GOT THIS! you'll see what it's like to have to depend on someone for help and THEY AIN'T GONNA BE THERE. your aunt used to always say "what goes around, comes around" and that'll go for this too. karma's a bitch.